I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pants are for mortals
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize