my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
