I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
