I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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