My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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