The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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