my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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