do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
