Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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