I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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