Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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