It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
