I got chris browned last night
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
