my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
