smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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