Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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