What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
