ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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