I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
