My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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