My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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