Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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