I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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