I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
