Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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