If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
