Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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