my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
only if we run a train.
done.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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