he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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