$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
