Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
