who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
