Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
