You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
