I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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