Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
