If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
