I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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