like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
