highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
