I wish my penis had an off switch
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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