He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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