I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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