I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
