I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
