Need sex. Gaining weight.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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