Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize