that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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