He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
