As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
