I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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