the condom got lost in my hair
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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