Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
