I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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