It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
