This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
