Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
