No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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