I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
