I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
