just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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