Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
