where am i from again
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
it's great music for shaving your balls
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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