Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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