Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i out mim tonsoeep
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
