how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
areolas are like halos for boobs.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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